Am I doing it right? Will this or that help or hurt? Will they like each other? Will they be happy?
And despite some evidence to the contrary, sometimes it's hard to shake the felling that I suck at this.
Today, well, this week, has been one of those times. And even as I write this I'm reminded of the countless times I held each of their sweet bodies while they yarfed this week (most times directly onto me. Why always onto me?). And I remember how many times they checked in on each other and offered condolences at our shared misery (stomach bug, if you hadn't already cracked that code. One bathroom). I know how many kisses were given, how much laughter there was and how truly loved they all feel but sometimes the thought returns...inexplicably...
I suck at this.
Not to worry. Hopefully I'll remember in a few days that that's not actually the case.
But tonight I found a helpful distraction. After the wee ones were all tucked in bed, I went up to the sewing room and, without plan or pattern, just started making something. Whatever fabric felt right in my hand, I used it. I only thought from one step to the next.
Because here's the thing. Who knows if any of us is doing it right? We won't know for like 30 years if it worked...if they're happy. But this:
This is a sure thing.
It could not be less significant, but in this moment when I'm not sure I'm doing the big things right, it helps to be good at a small thing. And tomorrow when Hazey wears it around town it will make me smile because she will be so. stinking. cute and because I made it for her.
Ego-maniacal? Perhaps. But sometimes a sense of mastery over even a small thing helps put everything else in perspective. Making this little outfit took creativity, patience, vision, desire, estimation, trial and error, skill, and a little bit of math. Those are skills I can use in this parenting thing and remembering that I do in fact posses them?